Happy Turkey Day

Good afternoon.  And welcome to another installment of everyone's favorite gameshow, Clint's Corner!!!!!  And I am your fabulous host, His Holiness Clint Miller.  I hope that you have all been living the dream since our last encounter.  I know I have.  We have talked before about holidays and how awesome they are.  Well it is time once again to celebrate one of the greatest holidays ever.  THANKSGIVING!  Why is is so great you ask.  Well that is a great question.  And I assure you that all the answers you seek will soon be revealed to you.  So lets get started...

Next to Christmas, Thanksgiving may be the best holiday every year.  And there are many different reasons that make it so.  Getting together with family and friends.  Sitting around a table counting blessings.  These are just a couple of the traditional reasons that people give for enjoying Thanksgiving.  And as everyone knows, they are complete bullshit.  First of all, I don't know how it is with your family, but many of the people I have to be around on Thanksgiving I only see them once a year.  So I barely remember their names.  The ones I do recall, its usually because they are assholes and I spend half my time trying to avoid them at all costs.  Also, sitting around giving thanks is not what people are concerned with when they gather round the table.  They are only concerned with stuffing thier faces with turkey, dressing, and all manner of desserts.  I swear it's like gluttony is not only tolerated on Thanksgiving, but celebrated.  And that's the first reason I love Thanksgiving. 

As I have alluded to before, I am now, and always have been, a fat kid.  After a few hours of playing hide from the old people who tell the same stories year after year and all the yelling children, it's nice to be rewarded with a good meal.  And  oh my God do we feast.  I will say this, the older ladies in my family sure can put on a spread.  And I always take full advantage.  I will rape and pillage the dinner line like a mad fucking viking.  And you know what, nobody gives it a second thought.  The fat kid in me reigns on this day and indulges on all the goodness life has to offer.  Good times.

Another reason I love Thanksgiving is the football.  After everyone has gorged themselves into a diebetic coma, it is then time to sit around like motionless zombies and watch the boys throw the pigskin around.  And it usually isn't even a good game.  I think last year I saw like the Lions vs. the Browns or some shit like that.  Not exactly powerhouses.  But that doesn't even matter.  It's still football.  It's still somthing to get excited about.  It's still is reason enough for Uncle Dave to drink a case of Keystone and pass out in the yard.  We're talking about memories here people.  And since you have feasted like savages, no one can talk shit about you sitting on the couch and doing nothing productive all day. 

The final reason I love Thanksgiving is family.  Not the assholes who nobody cares about referenced above.  But my real family.  We will be doing all of these things together in a few days.  Gluttony, sloth, and all the other good sins.  I am grateful that I get to share these things with them.  And I am grateful that I get to share this message with all of you.  Here's hoping that you all have a safe and happy Thanksgiving.  And now I will leave you with these words of wisdom.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare.  They are consumed in twelve minutes.  Half-times take twelve minutes.  This is not coincidence.  ~Erma Bombeck
Thanksgiving is America's national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.  ~Michael Dresser

Politics

Greetings and salutations to all of you out there on the internet.  I hope this posting finds you well.  Well much has changed in the time since I last graced you with my presence.  Halloween has come and gone.  For those of you still curious, I was the most awesomest Raggedy Andy you’ve ever seen.  For those of you who saw, I could tell that you brought great joy from my appearance.  And that joy is one of the main reasons I am here.  Also, our beloved Crimson Tide has fallen once again.  Our beloved leader Saban having been outcoached by a bumbling stooge with the mind of 4 year old.  Shameful.  But what I really want to discuss with you this day is something that affects people other than just us. Politics.  That’s right.  One of the few things that can make strangers want to slaughter each other’s families over simple idealistic differences.

Now this is something I wanted to bring up last week after the mid-term elections.  But as it often does, life intervened and kept me from my duties as your spiritual guide.  For that I am sorry, but a holy man has to do what a holy man has to do.  Anyway, I’m sure you all have your own opinions about politics.  Just like I’m sure you have your own opinions about religion and any other topics discussed on this site up to this point.  But as I have made clear before, mine is the only opinion that matters to me.  And judging by the fact that any clear headed person would have probably cursed my existence and left this space long ago, it obviously is the only one that matters to you.  It’s sad really.  But I guess if you will blindly follow someone, it may as well be me.  For the purposes of this exercise, I will be breaking down politics into my views of the standard parties and then giving my overall thoughts on what these elections will mean in the grand scheme of things.

1. Republicans – Conservative people who want to protect the little guy.  Preserve the American way of life.  Keep government small and out of our hair so we can live peacefully.  Kill everyone who looks, acts, or thinks differently than them.  (Although I don’t think they put that last one in the brochure.)  They know everything you should be afraid of and make their living making sure that you know it too.  Example: Texas and its favorite son, W
2. Democrats – Liberal people who want to make sure that everyone has the same opportunities.  Whether they be white/black, gay/straight, in this country legally/illegally, everyone should have the right to work, play, live, have 15 abortions and burn flags in the streets.  Hell, if you can’t/are too lazy to work to pay for these things, Democrats will just give them to you.  Let everyone else fit the bill.  Because this is America Damn it.  Example: Hippies. Dirty, smelly, hippies!  And that bitch Hillary Clinton when she’s not trying to keep an eye on Bill and his harem of sweaty fat chicks.
3. Tea Party – Basically Republicans on steroids.  If you enjoy it, it’s bad.  No sex, no drugs, and no Rock N’ Roll.  Basically no fun of any kind ever.  We need to live by the laws of the 1700’s.  We are going to take America back.  Would have been a great plan if they hadn’t acted so bat-shit insane and lost a lot of their elections.  Fox News here we come!
4. Green Party – I really have no idea.  I guess maybe they want to save the planet or something.  Isn’t that what “Green” usually means?  Sounds like something Al Gore would do in between fighting the O-zone and inventing the internet.
5. Independents – Ross Perot.  That’s it.  Basically a waste of a vote.  These guys will never get anything accomplished because 99.9999999% of the time everyone is going to side with either 1 or 2.

And when it all comes down to it, none of it seems to matter.  Democrats condemned George Bush as a moron.  He is leading us into a senseless war.  Republicans claim Obama is the anti-Christ.  His health care bill is going to destroy America.  And now that Republicans have taken over the House and are closer in the Senate, it’s all going to be OK.  News flash:  Nothing…will…ever…change!  They spend their first two years celebrating and doing nothing and the next two years trying to get re-elected and continue the cycle.  So they tell you what they want to hear until they are safe for another few years.  It’s like Survivor: Capital Hill.  So whether you are the shotgun hoarding conservative or one of those dirty fucking hippies, take solace in the fact that your government loves you.  As long as you want what the people who run government want.  And with that I leave you with these words of wisdom:

Politicians are like diapers.  They both need changing regularly and for the same reason.  ~Author Unknown

Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession.  I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.  ~Ronald Reagan

And with that, I bid you adieu.  Until we meet again, this is His Holiness signing off.

Happy Halloween Party People

FRIENDS, ALABAMIANS, OTHER PEOPLE…LEND ME YOUR COMPUTER SCREENS!  Hello once again to all my favorite people.  I have returned to my rightful place to show you the way.  I’m sure that during my sabbatical, many of you have wondered if your beloved leader has deserted you; left you out in the cold with no one to turn to for guidance and leadership.  Well first of all, shame on you for questioning me.  Who are you to judge what I do with my time?  I don’t see you out here solving the world’s problems.  And secondly, please know that I have heard your cries for my return.  Do not despair, for His Holiness is always with you.  Except for when I’m, you know, watching TV or in the bathroom or something.  That’s kind of Me Time.  But other than that, I’m all yours.  So with that, let’s get started…

In this edition of the Corner, I want to discuss the upcoming event known as Halloween.  Now, being a man of the cloth, many would assume that I would be opposed to such a Pagan tradition.  Not so.  I for one have always loved Halloween.  I am a fat kid after all.  Besides, this is the one night a year you get to do all sorts of things that you have always been taught not to.  And it’s not only acceptable, it’s encouraged.

When you were a kid, I’m sure you were all taught don’t play in the streets at night, don’t take candy from strangers, and don’t wear that cape all the time because the other kids will think you’re creepy.  These are things that all parents tell their children (the ones they love atleast) to try to keep them safe.  But on Halloween all bets are off.  Dress up like a zombie Viking out for blood if you want.  The weirder you dress, the cooler you are.  Don’t play in the streets?  Run around the streets screaming bloody murder and not give a damn who sees you.  Who's going to mess with a 4 foot tall pirate with a plastic sword and eye patch?  Nobody!  That's who.  And taking candy from strangers is the main thing you want to do.  The creepy old man who smells like feet and offers to give all the kids back rubs…guaranteed to have real candy bars.  Not the so-called “fun size” that your grandmother gives out.  *Side Note: What a joke those things are.  Ask any guy (or their girlfriend/wife) if smaller than normal ever equals more fun.  Not even close.  And to all you who give kids pennies or toothbrushes, don’t be surprised when those same kids come back and roll your yard, egg your house, and set your cat on fire a few years down the road you cheap bastard.  We won't forget you tried to ruin our nights of hedonism and we will have our revenge.*When all is said and done, you will have enough candy to get you so jacked up your mother will swear you really are possessed by Satan and the costume doesn't seem so cute after all.  And it was all free.  Halloween is the best day of the year for a lot of kids.  Yeah, you get presents on Christmas.  But most of that is clothes and junk.  And it's only from a few people.  You get candy on Halloween from the whole freaking town!  What could be better?  Answer - Not...A...Damn...Thing.  At least not when you're young.

But, Halloween is awesome when you get older too.  People really frown upon the whole cape thing I mentioned once you hit 25 or so.  But on that one magical night a year, you can pull that bad boy out of the closet, put your tighty-whities on the outside of your pants, and let everyone know that Superman is here to party.  Plus by that point, wherever you go dressed up like a superhero will probably have plenty of beer.  So that always helps people be more accepting.  You may not go knocking on doors begging for chocolate at that age (cops would probably be called), but you can still run around acting foolish if you’re a guy and, from what I’ve seen of women’s costumes, slutty and nobody will care.  I for one am going to such an event this weekend and can not wait for the debauchery to ensue.  For those of you who will be there, I will be the one dressed as a…

PSYCH!!!  That’s right.  Totally went mid 90’s and psyched you out.  I can’t reveal what I will be for Halloween.  That would take all the fun out of it.  So you’ll just have to wait until Saturday to be amazed.  And with that, I leave you with these words of wisdom:

Nothing on Earth so beautiful as the final haul on Halloween night.  ~Steve Almond

Sincerely – His Holiness, Clint Miller

IT'S A CELEBRATION B*TCHES!!!

Greetings and salutations to all of you out there in the world.  A little note before we get started:  As you know, my previous columns have all had a central focus-  a theme around which I spew my righteous opinions about what makes it awesome or why it pisses me off to no end.  Well today is no different.  The focus of today will be…Drum Roll…ME!!!  For any of you who think this is a little too self-indulgent, piss off.  This is my website.  Get your own if you don't like it.  Anyway, for those of you who have not called me a prick and stormed off, lets get started.

Per my previous instructions, I hope you have all been living it up this month in honor of His Holiness (me) and the month of his birth.  I am ashamed to say that it has been a relatively calm month for me so far, relative to previous birthday months.  But that is all about to change.  The big day has finally arrived.  That's right…IT'S MY BIRTHDAY AND I'LL ROCK IF I WANT TO, ROCK IF I WANT TO, ROCK IF I WANT TO.  YOU WOULD ROCK TO IF YOU WERE AWESOME AS ME!  That's just a little ditty I wrote for the occasion.  Anyway, today is a day of celebration.  It is a day of rejoicing and remembrance the world over.  On this day, people will hold office parties just knowing that I am here, even though at least 32% (citation needed) of them have never met me.  But rest assured that they have felt my presence in some way.  Today, parents will tell their children wild tales of the times that I have been awesome (many), hoping that their sons and daughters will someday grow to be half as cool (as me).  Scientists are looking to the skies trying to replicate the day when the heavens aligned and something so wonderful was thrust into the world, destined to rule it (me again).  And at some point today I will find a random house and burn it to the ground.  (Because its tradition that's why). 

*Warning* Following section kind of lame and sappy.  Feel free to skip it.

But in all seriousness, today is not all about me.  Today is also about the people who have been there to share in the good times.  Many of you reading this fall into that category.  And to those people, I say thank you.  And to those who have not, perhaps your time has come (if you're lucky).  Well, that is all for now.  Until we meet again, I leave you with these words of wisdom:

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.  ~ Chili Davis

*Reminder* - It is not too late to send in your gifts.  Remember, the list includes cash, Natural Light, and commemorative Elvis plates.

His Holiness, Clint Miller

Technology

Hello again.  Before we get started, I want to send  a quick "What's up?" to all my homies, both new and old.  I hope you have all been living the dream since we last spoke.  And by spoke of course I mean that the words flowed from my fingers like a modern day prophet, and you took them in while experiencing both sheer amazement and worship.  Anyway, today I want to talk about something that has made the world as we know it both amazing and, at times, completely enslaved to its power…Technology!

Let me start off by saying that, for those unlucky ones among you who don't know me, I am not some crazy old coot longing for the days of crank phones and silent movies.  When things were better "in the good ole' days."  Those people are insane.  Technology has given us so much.  It has made communication faster and jobs easier.  Somewhere right now someone is watching a movie while listening to downloaded music and talking to someone in China on their cell phone.  Re-d@mn-diculous.  We have flat screen, HD, 3D TV's where you can pause a live show while you go to the pisser/get a beer/throw a brick at your neighbor for letting their dog sh!t in your yard.  (Seriously, how did people live before DVR?)  That's called progress.  However, there are times when technology can really be a dick!

By a show of hands, how many of you of you have ever been talking on your phone during an important call and your phone decides to drop it just to mess with you?  Or when you're at work and you just finished that big project for the boss and your computer freezes up, crashes, or spontaneously combusts just as you're about to hit send?  You know, the one that's finally going to get you that big promotion.  Or how bout those times when Satan starts talking to you through your IPod, telling you to burn down the house of that kid who teased you in third grade?  (That's right little Stevie Sizemore, I know where you live you BASTARD!)  Anyway, the point is that we've become too consumed by technology.  How long will it be before they have to start opening up rehabs for people who's boyfriend/girlfriend leaves them because of their Facebook addiction?  It must end and it must end now.  We must stand together and say "No more!"  Otherwise it's only a matter of time before the computer systems become self-aware and rise up against us.  Come on, you've all seen Terminator.  You know what I'm talking about.  So with that, I leave you with these words of wisdom:

Technology... is a queer thing.  It brings you great gifts with one hand, and it stabs you in the back with the other.  ~C.P. Snow

Sincerely - His Holiness, Clint Miller

Booze

Well hello again to everyone out there who cares enough about what I have to say to read this. I hope you all had a nice long weekend. It was a rather exciting time in my life. My parents just got a new pool that my friends and I took full advantage of. It was the start of College Football (Sh*t Alabama looked good!). Got an extra day off for Labor Day. Grilled out in the sunshine. Basically good times all around. As I sit at work this morning pretending to be productive, I have been thinking about what all of these activities have in common…ALCOHOL.

Then I started wondering, why do we feel the need to drink to have a good time? Maybe it's just me and my friends, but every time we get together it seems to be one big drunken donkey show. (Disclaimer: When my friends act up, it is referred to as "acting a donkey." I don't mean a real donkey show. What kind of perverts do you think I hang out with?) Anyway, we drank beer out by the pool for three days straight. At times, the threat of drowning became all too real. We also proceeded to get blasted for the football games Saturday night. If it weren't for Sports Center, on Sundays, half the people probably wouldn't even know if their team won. And do you think this stopped anybody for taking a day off on Monday from boozing it up and taking stock of their lives? Hell to the no. No work = Yes drunk.

So why do we do this? Can't we enjoy life without alcohol? Wouldn't it be nice to know that we would remember these good times with friends? Or that we would wake up the next day without feeling hung-over, without new battle wounds, and not in jail? The answer to all of these questions is an emphatic NOOOOOOOO!!!!! Alcohol is effin awesome! It makes all these experiences better. So drink up you bunch of lushes. And on that note, I leave you with these words of wisdom:


" Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems." - Homer Simpson


Sincerely - His Holiness, Clint Miller

September

Hello to all my loyal subjects. I meant to sent this out yesterday, but I was busy at my "job". What a crock. They obviously don't get that I have better things to do. Anyway, I just thought you should all know that we have reached a very special time in the calendar. A time for love, joy, and celebration. What is this you may be asking yourself (probably b/c I haven't told you yet). The beginning of Fall? No. Start of football? Special, but not as special as this. The time of year where that weird rash starts to come back? Well that's personal a-holes. (What a bunch of creeps you all are.) No, I am talking about the month of September aka MY BIRTHDAY MONTH!!!!! That's right, I celebrate the whole month of my birthday because I am that awesome. You should too if you are lucky enough to know me. For those of you who don't know me intimately (yet), a little back story…

In the year of our Lord 1984, a babe (me) was born into the world to a set of loving parents on September 22nd. It seemed like any other new beginning for the circle of life. Little did anyone know, this chubby child would go onto untold greatness (soon I hope). The child grew strong, and fine, and still kinda chubby. After a childhood of wonders and constant teasing (fat kid with braces and a touch of acne), the wild-eyed youngster grew into the man you know and love today. Yeah, there were some more details I could have given, but that would take time and energy. Plus, I think the mysteriousness is a great part of my aura. Anyway, for all of you looking for a reason to live it up on a random Tuesday in the middle of September, just remember that yours truly will be doing it on general principal. Do you really need any other reason? So don't be so boring all the time. Get out there and rock out. As a great man once said, Don't ask "Why?", ask "Why not?".

I will be accepting gifts in the form of cash, Natural Light, and commemorative Elvis plates. Thank you in advance. I trust that you will all give generously.

Sincerely - His Holiness, Clint Miller