Politics

Greetings and salutations to all of you out there on the internet.  I hope this posting finds you well.  Well much has changed in the time since I last graced you with my presence.  Halloween has come and gone.  For those of you still curious, I was the most awesomest Raggedy Andy you’ve ever seen.  For those of you who saw, I could tell that you brought great joy from my appearance.  And that joy is one of the main reasons I am here.  Also, our beloved Crimson Tide has fallen once again.  Our beloved leader Saban having been outcoached by a bumbling stooge with the mind of 4 year old.  Shameful.  But what I really want to discuss with you this day is something that affects people other than just us. Politics.  That’s right.  One of the few things that can make strangers want to slaughter each other’s families over simple idealistic differences.

Now this is something I wanted to bring up last week after the mid-term elections.  But as it often does, life intervened and kept me from my duties as your spiritual guide.  For that I am sorry, but a holy man has to do what a holy man has to do.  Anyway, I’m sure you all have your own opinions about politics.  Just like I’m sure you have your own opinions about religion and any other topics discussed on this site up to this point.  But as I have made clear before, mine is the only opinion that matters to me.  And judging by the fact that any clear headed person would have probably cursed my existence and left this space long ago, it obviously is the only one that matters to you.  It’s sad really.  But I guess if you will blindly follow someone, it may as well be me.  For the purposes of this exercise, I will be breaking down politics into my views of the standard parties and then giving my overall thoughts on what these elections will mean in the grand scheme of things.

1. Republicans – Conservative people who want to protect the little guy.  Preserve the American way of life.  Keep government small and out of our hair so we can live peacefully.  Kill everyone who looks, acts, or thinks differently than them.  (Although I don’t think they put that last one in the brochure.)  They know everything you should be afraid of and make their living making sure that you know it too.  Example: Texas and its favorite son, W
2. Democrats – Liberal people who want to make sure that everyone has the same opportunities.  Whether they be white/black, gay/straight, in this country legally/illegally, everyone should have the right to work, play, live, have 15 abortions and burn flags in the streets.  Hell, if you can’t/are too lazy to work to pay for these things, Democrats will just give them to you.  Let everyone else fit the bill.  Because this is America Damn it.  Example: Hippies. Dirty, smelly, hippies!  And that bitch Hillary Clinton when she’s not trying to keep an eye on Bill and his harem of sweaty fat chicks.
3. Tea Party – Basically Republicans on steroids.  If you enjoy it, it’s bad.  No sex, no drugs, and no Rock N’ Roll.  Basically no fun of any kind ever.  We need to live by the laws of the 1700’s.  We are going to take America back.  Would have been a great plan if they hadn’t acted so bat-shit insane and lost a lot of their elections.  Fox News here we come!
4. Green Party – I really have no idea.  I guess maybe they want to save the planet or something.  Isn’t that what “Green” usually means?  Sounds like something Al Gore would do in between fighting the O-zone and inventing the internet.
5. Independents – Ross Perot.  That’s it.  Basically a waste of a vote.  These guys will never get anything accomplished because 99.9999999% of the time everyone is going to side with either 1 or 2.

And when it all comes down to it, none of it seems to matter.  Democrats condemned George Bush as a moron.  He is leading us into a senseless war.  Republicans claim Obama is the anti-Christ.  His health care bill is going to destroy America.  And now that Republicans have taken over the House and are closer in the Senate, it’s all going to be OK.  News flash:  Nothing…will…ever…change!  They spend their first two years celebrating and doing nothing and the next two years trying to get re-elected and continue the cycle.  So they tell you what they want to hear until they are safe for another few years.  It’s like Survivor: Capital Hill.  So whether you are the shotgun hoarding conservative or one of those dirty fucking hippies, take solace in the fact that your government loves you.  As long as you want what the people who run government want.  And with that I leave you with these words of wisdom:

Politicians are like diapers.  They both need changing regularly and for the same reason.  ~Author Unknown

Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession.  I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.  ~Ronald Reagan

And with that, I bid you adieu.  Until we meet again, this is His Holiness signing off.