Another Year Down, Another Year Spent Being Awesome

Well here we are again guys and gals.  We have reached that magical date on the calendar in which we celebrate all things His Holiness. I know our regular viewers have had it circled on your Lisa Frank calendars (it's the one with the yellow dog and pink kitties isn't it?)  for some time now, sweaty with anticipation of this most sacred day, because they know all the joys it brings.  Some of our newer readers may be asking themselves, "What's so special about YOUR birthday His Holiness?  Everyone has one."  To those people I would say, "Oh yeah? Well everyone has an asshole too buddy, but mine is just better and more important somehow. You know, in a wierd sort of way that I can't really put into words."  Look, I know that's kind of an odd comparison, but let's not make this any more uncomfortable, yet strangely erotic, than it already is. Just go with me on this people.

Anyway, as you know this time last I let you know about how I like to spend birthdays.  You know, just rocking out and generally being awesome.  And of course the burning down of random houses (gotta keep the tradition alive.)  Well this year, since I'm older and wiser (didn't think that was possible), I wanted to take another road.  As we get older, we may start to question whether or not the life we're leading is still the way to go.  Sure, partying on Tuesdays and regurly waking up in what is obviously somebody else's thong is cool as a 26 year old.  But I'm 27 now.  Is it time to grow up?  Time to be responsible?  Time to change my whole way of life?  The answer to all of those questions is of course HELL-TO-THE-NO BITCHES!!!  His Holiness is only getting started.  The way I figure it, these first 27 years were just preparation for the rest of my life spent being awesome.  Kind of a warm up if you will.  That being the case, I will take this occasion to break out my party boots (which some of you know well) and my special birthday celebration tighty-whities (which a surprisingly fewer of you are as familiar with) and rock this weekend to the ground.  I hope you will all join me in this celebration of not just my birthday, but the fact that getting older doesn't mean you have to be lame (but mostly my birthday).  Also, in case any of you have forgotten, I can never have too much cash, Natty Light, or those commemorative Elvis plates (still haven't completed the set).  So have a good His Holiness Day friends.  I know I will.  And with that, I leave you with these words of wisdom:

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?  ~Satchel Paige

Everyone is the age of their heart.  ~Guatemalan Proverb

The key to successful aging is to pay as little attention to it as possible.  ~Judith Regan

His Holiness out.

His Holiness: Part XIII: The Return (With A Vengeance)

Yes people, it is I, His Holiness, back from my spiritual quest across the globe. Rising like the mighty Pheonix from the ashes or like Motley Crue when they did their reunion tour, to bring you wisdom, guidance, and just the right amount of sexual perversion to help you get through these shark infested waters we call life.  I trust you have all been doing well in my absense.  Although I have not been with you these many months, I know I have been in your thoughts.  And I'm sure you would have been in mine if I weren't so busy. But the time of a holy man is precious and can not be wasted on such things. No, it must be spent pondering the life's eternal question like "Who am I?", "Why are we here?", and "How long is the appropriate mourning period when your high school boyfriend/girlfriend de-friends you on Facebook because they're getting married and are tired of you "poking" them at 3:00 a.m. every damn night?".  And during my spiritual journey during the last few months, I, His Holiness, have finally answered these questions.  1. His Holiness. (duh) Not sure about the rest of you.  2. We are put on this Earth for the purpose of being awesome. 3. Immediately you "hypothetical" hipster loser named Broderick who sits next to me on the bus wearing women's jeans and Converse All-Stars ironically. And as soon as you've stopped mourning, kill yourself because hipsters do not deserve to breathe the same air as the rest of us normal people.
GOD I HATE FUCKING HIPSTERS!!!

Editors Note: Our apologies to any hipsters offended by the last life question answer.

His Holiness's Note to Editor: You are obviously a hipster sympethizer and can therefore not be trusted. You are fired. Please turn in your nametag and official laser-tag side arm.

Before I go, I would like to thank all of you who have begged for my return throughout my absense. It is because of you that I am here.  I had actually started to wonder if I could continue being your spiritual leader, if too much time had passed. But your tearful cries have tugged at my heart strings. Plus my manager said I would stop getting paid if I didn't come back, and that would have sucked. So, it is with great joy that I have come back to the faithful. And to all those who said that it didn't matter if I came back or that I never made an impact in the first place, rest assured that your crimes will not go unpunished. In closing, I understand this time apart has been devastating to all of us. And by all of us, I mean all of you. So with that in mind, I leave you with these words of wisdom:

     “For when two beings who are not friends are near each other there is no meeting, and when friends are far apart there is no separation.” - French philosopher

His Holiness