Hello again anonymous Internet friends. I, His Holiness, am back to lead you in your spiritual path through the crazy world in which we find ourselves. I hope you have all been doing well since our last encounter. Since it has been quite a while, this manifesto may seem a bit long winded, but I don't care because this is His Holiness's website and nobody else's! Anyway, I know many things have happened in that time, Christmas, New Year's Eve, They Who Shall Not Be Named winning the college football National Championship. In this time a lot has been going on with your's truly. I celebrated a traditional Christmas with my family. We feasted on turkey and dressing, opened enough presents to fill a strip mall, and of course the airing of grievances (shame on any of you who do not get that reference!) For New Year's some friends and I went to a charity event at a warehouse here in B'ham. We got out of control drunk, danced to all manner of 80's tunes, and under no circumstances should we have made it home alive. And, of course, we did all of this for the sake of the children. The other big thing that has happened to me is that I got a new job. "Oh yeah! Pretty soon I'll be running these streets!" I fiercely yelled to myself from my cubicle upon hearing the news. Boy was I wrong...
As I assume most of my listening audience is employed in some way, I will make certain assumptions during this writing: 1. At times you think that you are sooooo close to running the show. 2. At times you think that your are invisible. 3. At times you want to walk in your office and set fire to the whole damn place and laugh hysterically as you see the flames roar and hear the muffled screams of your now former co-workers.
*Note: Mitchell, I know you've been having a hard time of it, but believe me when I tell you that #3 is simply a thought. Not an action plan.*
Over the last few months I had gotten so tired of my job that I was ready to pull my hair out. I refrained of course, because that would throw off the flow of the side-part that has been my signature some 26 years. But needless to say, I was ready for a change. So when I found out that I would be changing positions, I was ecstatic. At first. As many of you know, when you start a new job, you walk in with your head held high and brimming with confidence. After all, you are the new hot shot ready to rule. Every new co-worker you meet will be under your command in six months time. This place isn't going to know what hit it when you blow up. Fuck You Are Awesome!!!!
Then after about two minutes of that, it hits you. You...Don't...Matter...At...All. This great new job is really no different than your old one. These people have been here for so long, you could walk in with a cape and no pants and they probably wouldn't blink. Johnson in the next cube over has been here 40 years. He has seen more people come and leave than the NOLA free clinic after Mardi Gras. He doesn't care that your average round-trip delivery time is the fastest in the history of the Southside Domino's. Your new boss, who you blew away in the interview so bad he probably went home and thought about as he relationed up his wife, has been calling you by the wrong name the last three days. Not only that, you really have no idea what you're doing here. This isn't the same system/forms/delivery truck you used at your last job. But that doesn't stop them from piling it on and screaming about needing the Ferguson report by noon. What kind of report? Who the Hell is Ferguson? Why is Johnson staring at me all the time? And all this for the extra $16.50 a week. None of it makes sense. And by the time it does, it will be too late. Because you will then change jobs again. After all, you are gonna run these streets! That is, if you don't lose it and ride the crazy train straight to Hell and take every single one of them with you. And now your words of wisdom:
"I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy." ~ Danny McGoorty
"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important." ~ Bertrand Russell
"If you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way." ~ Homer Simpson
"If you ain't the lead dog, the view never changes." ~ No IdeaAll the Best - His Holiness
