Happy Friday to all my friends out there on the internet. I hope you have all had a good week so far in both your personal and professional (for those of you with professions) lives. It's been going pretty well for His Holiness, except for all this damn snow and cold weather we've been having lately. I mean, we live in the South people. We should see snow every other year at most. Not every other week. But I digress. The weather is not what this is about. Today I'd like to give you my thoughts on the annual nonsense that is about to befall us. That of course is the most made up of holidays, Valentine's Day.
Let me go ahead and say that I know I will probably get a lot of hate mail from all of you romantics (women) out there. But please hear me out. What are we really celebrating with all of this foolishness? Love? The fact that we have found that special someone? That is a nice sentiment, but it is far from the truth. If that was the case, then every day would be considered Valentine's Day. I mean, shouldn't you celebrate the ones you love all the time? And what about all the people out there who aren't in some sort of relationship? Should they be made to feel like completely unlovable rejects simply because they aren't currently dating? I'm sure this is the case for some, but we shouldn't have a special holiday just to drive that fact home. Ex. Studies have shown that suicide rates go up by over 372% (citation needed)on Valentine's Day. And all in the name of love. Well I say bologna. Let me tell you the real reasons for Valentine's Day.
1. Economic growth. People spend obscene amounts of money on V Day on crap they don't even need. The main ones being greeting cards, chocolate, and flowers. These are just a nice way of saying I waited to the last minute and bought you a nice poem that someone else wrote for $2.50, paid 10 times the normal price for candy because its in a box shaped like a heart, and picked up the last flowers they had in the freezer at the grocery store.
2. Make you stress out wondering if you got the right thing. Let me go ahead and tell you that you didn't. You may go all out and buy candy, jewelry, etc. But somehow, someway, Barry down the street knew exactly what you were doing and had to top it. Just look at that new car sitting in his driveway with the big bow on it. And he did it just to spite you. So what if you have never actually spoken to Barry or his wife. You can just tell he's the kind of guy who would do that to you. Screw you Barry!!!
3. Finally, to break up your relationship. Don't ask me why. That's just the way it is. Because of all the pressure put on people for this stupid, made up holiday, men and women will ultimately end up going at each other (and not in the good way) because one or the other didn't do enough to show they cared. Except for Barry. Smug, arrogant, thoughtful Barry.
So why not just avoid all this, tell the person you're with you love them, and be done with it. And for all of you lonely people out there, better luck next year. And those are your words of wisdom for this week. Brought to you by me, His Holiness.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
It's Almost Official!!!
Yes, It's that time again ladies and gentlemen. I hope you are all doing well today. And if not, sorry. But, I hope the knowledge that I am doing awesome will help to console you. Anyway, as most of you know, I am a pretty big football fan and we just had national signing day. The day where so many people fall all over a bunch of 17 and 18 year olds praying that the best ones will pick their favorite team to play for. I do it too, even though I know its despicable. Anyway, I had someone ask me if I was going to give my thoughts on NSD in my next article. Although I do think it is important, something else has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. And I feel that I have to get it out there to the public.
To tell this story, we need to backtrack a little bit. This whole website started when I decided I wanted to become ordained as a minister. It was taken as a joke by some, and that's OK. I can understand the humor in the idea of me becoming a man of the cloth. I, on the other hand, still have the burning desire deep down in my pants to become a great leader of men. So I have endured the snickers and comments from those blind few who didn't take me seriously. Well to those people I have only two things to say. BOOM!!! and more importantly YOU CAN ALL SUCK ON BOBO!!! That's right all you haters. The day you hoped would never arrive has. If you will see the link below, it will lead you to the site where I will legally become "His Holiness". If that ain't bitchin, I don't know what is.
http://www.themonastery.org/?destination=ordination
Now, that being the case, I just want you to all know that as soon as I am official, I will be open to service all your religious needs. I am going to be doing weddings, Christenings, funerals, confessions, circumcisions, etc. As a matter of fact, I have already pestered a couple friends of mine to the point where they agreed to let me officiate their wedding ceremony. You know who you are and don't think for a second that I've forgotten. To be honest, it was a lot easier to convince the guy that I would be a good candidate. And I don't think the fact he was drunk had anything to do with it. I think he just recognizes the seriousness and professionalism I would bring to the table. Also wine. I will always bring wine to the table.
*Side Question: I'm thinking that when doing a circumcision, it would be better to bring the wine to the table before the ceremony rather than after. You know, kinda loosen everybody up. I mean let's face it, cutting off part of a baby's ding-a-ling could be an awkward time. Thoughts?*
Well I guess that's all for today. I'm sure the magnitude of this announcement is enough for you to try to process right now. So in conclusion, please remember me for any religious needs you or any family or friends may be having in the future. Still taking payments in cash, Natural light, and commemorative plates. And again, thank you to all of you who have pledged your support and undying allegiance during this process. As for the rest of you, well, you already know what you can do.
His Holiness out.
To tell this story, we need to backtrack a little bit. This whole website started when I decided I wanted to become ordained as a minister. It was taken as a joke by some, and that's OK. I can understand the humor in the idea of me becoming a man of the cloth. I, on the other hand, still have the burning desire deep down in my pants to become a great leader of men. So I have endured the snickers and comments from those blind few who didn't take me seriously. Well to those people I have only two things to say. BOOM!!! and more importantly YOU CAN ALL SUCK ON BOBO!!! That's right all you haters. The day you hoped would never arrive has. If you will see the link below, it will lead you to the site where I will legally become "His Holiness". If that ain't bitchin, I don't know what is.
http://www.themonastery.org/?destination=ordination
Now, that being the case, I just want you to all know that as soon as I am official, I will be open to service all your religious needs. I am going to be doing weddings, Christenings, funerals, confessions, circumcisions, etc. As a matter of fact, I have already pestered a couple friends of mine to the point where they agreed to let me officiate their wedding ceremony. You know who you are and don't think for a second that I've forgotten. To be honest, it was a lot easier to convince the guy that I would be a good candidate. And I don't think the fact he was drunk had anything to do with it. I think he just recognizes the seriousness and professionalism I would bring to the table. Also wine. I will always bring wine to the table.
*Side Question: I'm thinking that when doing a circumcision, it would be better to bring the wine to the table before the ceremony rather than after. You know, kinda loosen everybody up. I mean let's face it, cutting off part of a baby's ding-a-ling could be an awkward time. Thoughts?*
Well I guess that's all for today. I'm sure the magnitude of this announcement is enough for you to try to process right now. So in conclusion, please remember me for any religious needs you or any family or friends may be having in the future. Still taking payments in cash, Natural light, and commemorative plates. And again, thank you to all of you who have pledged your support and undying allegiance during this process. As for the rest of you, well, you already know what you can do.
His Holiness out.
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