IT'S A CELEBRATION B*TCHES!!!

Greetings and salutations to all of you out there in the world.  A little note before we get started:  As you know, my previous columns have all had a central focus-  a theme around which I spew my righteous opinions about what makes it awesome or why it pisses me off to no end.  Well today is no different.  The focus of today will be…Drum Roll…ME!!!  For any of you who think this is a little too self-indulgent, piss off.  This is my website.  Get your own if you don't like it.  Anyway, for those of you who have not called me a prick and stormed off, lets get started.

Per my previous instructions, I hope you have all been living it up this month in honor of His Holiness (me) and the month of his birth.  I am ashamed to say that it has been a relatively calm month for me so far, relative to previous birthday months.  But that is all about to change.  The big day has finally arrived.  That's right…IT'S MY BIRTHDAY AND I'LL ROCK IF I WANT TO, ROCK IF I WANT TO, ROCK IF I WANT TO.  YOU WOULD ROCK TO IF YOU WERE AWESOME AS ME!  That's just a little ditty I wrote for the occasion.  Anyway, today is a day of celebration.  It is a day of rejoicing and remembrance the world over.  On this day, people will hold office parties just knowing that I am here, even though at least 32% (citation needed) of them have never met me.  But rest assured that they have felt my presence in some way.  Today, parents will tell their children wild tales of the times that I have been awesome (many), hoping that their sons and daughters will someday grow to be half as cool (as me).  Scientists are looking to the skies trying to replicate the day when the heavens aligned and something so wonderful was thrust into the world, destined to rule it (me again).  And at some point today I will find a random house and burn it to the ground.  (Because its tradition that's why). 

*Warning* Following section kind of lame and sappy.  Feel free to skip it.

But in all seriousness, today is not all about me.  Today is also about the people who have been there to share in the good times.  Many of you reading this fall into that category.  And to those people, I say thank you.  And to those who have not, perhaps your time has come (if you're lucky).  Well, that is all for now.  Until we meet again, I leave you with these words of wisdom:

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.  ~ Chili Davis

*Reminder* - It is not too late to send in your gifts.  Remember, the list includes cash, Natural Light, and commemorative Elvis plates.

His Holiness, Clint Miller