FRIENDS, ALABAMIANS, OTHER PEOPLE…LEND ME YOUR COMPUTER SCREENS! Hello once again to all my favorite people. I have returned to my rightful place to show you the way. I’m sure that during my sabbatical, many of you have wondered if your beloved leader has deserted you; left you out in the cold with no one to turn to for guidance and leadership. Well first of all, shame on you for questioning me. Who are you to judge what I do with my time? I don’t see you out here solving the world’s problems. And secondly, please know that I have heard your cries for my return. Do not despair, for His Holiness is always with you. Except for when I’m, you know, watching TV or in the bathroom or something. That’s kind of Me Time. But other than that, I’m all yours. So with that, let’s get started…
In this edition of the Corner, I want to discuss the upcoming event known as Halloween. Now, being a man of the cloth, many would assume that I would be opposed to such a Pagan tradition. Not so. I for one have always loved Halloween. I am a fat kid after all. Besides, this is the one night a year you get to do all sorts of things that you have always been taught not to. And it’s not only acceptable, it’s encouraged.
When you were a kid, I’m sure you were all taught don’t play in the streets at night, don’t take candy from strangers, and don’t wear that cape all the time because the other kids will think you’re creepy. These are things that all parents tell their children (the ones they love atleast) to try to keep them safe. But on Halloween all bets are off. Dress up like a zombie Viking out for blood if you want. The weirder you dress, the cooler you are. Don’t play in the streets? Run around the streets screaming bloody murder and not give a damn who sees you. Who's going to mess with a 4 foot tall pirate with a plastic sword and eye patch? Nobody! That's who. And taking candy from strangers is the main thing you want to do. The creepy old man who smells like feet and offers to give all the kids back rubs…guaranteed to have real candy bars. Not the so-called “fun size” that your grandmother gives out. *Side Note: What a joke those things are. Ask any guy (or their girlfriend/wife) if smaller than normal ever equals more fun. Not even close. And to all you who give kids pennies or toothbrushes, don’t be surprised when those same kids come back and roll your yard, egg your house, and set your cat on fire a few years down the road you cheap bastard. We won't forget you tried to ruin our nights of hedonism and we will have our revenge.*When all is said and done, you will have enough candy to get you so jacked up your mother will swear you really are possessed by Satan and the costume doesn't seem so cute after all. And it was all free. Halloween is the best day of the year for a lot of kids. Yeah, you get presents on Christmas. But most of that is clothes and junk. And it's only from a few people. You get candy on Halloween from the whole freaking town! What could be better? Answer - Not...A...Damn...Thing. At least not when you're young.
But, Halloween is awesome when you get older too. People really frown upon the whole cape thing I mentioned once you hit 25 or so. But on that one magical night a year, you can pull that bad boy out of the closet, put your tighty-whities on the outside of your pants, and let everyone know that Superman is here to party. Plus by that point, wherever you go dressed up like a superhero will probably have plenty of beer. So that always helps people be more accepting. You may not go knocking on doors begging for chocolate at that age (cops would probably be called), but you can still run around acting foolish if you’re a guy and, from what I’ve seen of women’s costumes, slutty and nobody will care. I for one am going to such an event this weekend and can not wait for the debauchery to ensue. For those of you who will be there, I will be the one dressed as a…
PSYCH!!! That’s right. Totally went mid 90’s and psyched you out. I can’t reveal what I will be for Halloween. That would take all the fun out of it. So you’ll just have to wait until Saturday to be amazed. And with that, I leave you with these words of wisdom:
Nothing on Earth so beautiful as the final haul on Halloween night. ~Steve Almond
Sincerely – His Holiness, Clint Miller
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