IT'S A CELEBRATION B*TCHES!!!

Greetings and salutations to all of you out there in the world.  A little note before we get started:  As you know, my previous columns have all had a central focus-  a theme around which I spew my righteous opinions about what makes it awesome or why it pisses me off to no end.  Well today is no different.  The focus of today will be…Drum Roll…ME!!!  For any of you who think this is a little too self-indulgent, piss off.  This is my website.  Get your own if you don't like it.  Anyway, for those of you who have not called me a prick and stormed off, lets get started.

Per my previous instructions, I hope you have all been living it up this month in honor of His Holiness (me) and the month of his birth.  I am ashamed to say that it has been a relatively calm month for me so far, relative to previous birthday months.  But that is all about to change.  The big day has finally arrived.  That's right…IT'S MY BIRTHDAY AND I'LL ROCK IF I WANT TO, ROCK IF I WANT TO, ROCK IF I WANT TO.  YOU WOULD ROCK TO IF YOU WERE AWESOME AS ME!  That's just a little ditty I wrote for the occasion.  Anyway, today is a day of celebration.  It is a day of rejoicing and remembrance the world over.  On this day, people will hold office parties just knowing that I am here, even though at least 32% (citation needed) of them have never met me.  But rest assured that they have felt my presence in some way.  Today, parents will tell their children wild tales of the times that I have been awesome (many), hoping that their sons and daughters will someday grow to be half as cool (as me).  Scientists are looking to the skies trying to replicate the day when the heavens aligned and something so wonderful was thrust into the world, destined to rule it (me again).  And at some point today I will find a random house and burn it to the ground.  (Because its tradition that's why). 

*Warning* Following section kind of lame and sappy.  Feel free to skip it.

But in all seriousness, today is not all about me.  Today is also about the people who have been there to share in the good times.  Many of you reading this fall into that category.  And to those people, I say thank you.  And to those who have not, perhaps your time has come (if you're lucky).  Well, that is all for now.  Until we meet again, I leave you with these words of wisdom:

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.  ~ Chili Davis

*Reminder* - It is not too late to send in your gifts.  Remember, the list includes cash, Natural Light, and commemorative Elvis plates.

His Holiness, Clint Miller

Technology

Hello again.  Before we get started, I want to send  a quick "What's up?" to all my homies, both new and old.  I hope you have all been living the dream since we last spoke.  And by spoke of course I mean that the words flowed from my fingers like a modern day prophet, and you took them in while experiencing both sheer amazement and worship.  Anyway, today I want to talk about something that has made the world as we know it both amazing and, at times, completely enslaved to its power…Technology!

Let me start off by saying that, for those unlucky ones among you who don't know me, I am not some crazy old coot longing for the days of crank phones and silent movies.  When things were better "in the good ole' days."  Those people are insane.  Technology has given us so much.  It has made communication faster and jobs easier.  Somewhere right now someone is watching a movie while listening to downloaded music and talking to someone in China on their cell phone.  Re-d@mn-diculous.  We have flat screen, HD, 3D TV's where you can pause a live show while you go to the pisser/get a beer/throw a brick at your neighbor for letting their dog sh!t in your yard.  (Seriously, how did people live before DVR?)  That's called progress.  However, there are times when technology can really be a dick!

By a show of hands, how many of you of you have ever been talking on your phone during an important call and your phone decides to drop it just to mess with you?  Or when you're at work and you just finished that big project for the boss and your computer freezes up, crashes, or spontaneously combusts just as you're about to hit send?  You know, the one that's finally going to get you that big promotion.  Or how bout those times when Satan starts talking to you through your IPod, telling you to burn down the house of that kid who teased you in third grade?  (That's right little Stevie Sizemore, I know where you live you BASTARD!)  Anyway, the point is that we've become too consumed by technology.  How long will it be before they have to start opening up rehabs for people who's boyfriend/girlfriend leaves them because of their Facebook addiction?  It must end and it must end now.  We must stand together and say "No more!"  Otherwise it's only a matter of time before the computer systems become self-aware and rise up against us.  Come on, you've all seen Terminator.  You know what I'm talking about.  So with that, I leave you with these words of wisdom:

Technology... is a queer thing.  It brings you great gifts with one hand, and it stabs you in the back with the other.  ~C.P. Snow

Sincerely - His Holiness, Clint Miller

Booze

Well hello again to everyone out there who cares enough about what I have to say to read this. I hope you all had a nice long weekend. It was a rather exciting time in my life. My parents just got a new pool that my friends and I took full advantage of. It was the start of College Football (Sh*t Alabama looked good!). Got an extra day off for Labor Day. Grilled out in the sunshine. Basically good times all around. As I sit at work this morning pretending to be productive, I have been thinking about what all of these activities have in common…ALCOHOL.

Then I started wondering, why do we feel the need to drink to have a good time? Maybe it's just me and my friends, but every time we get together it seems to be one big drunken donkey show. (Disclaimer: When my friends act up, it is referred to as "acting a donkey." I don't mean a real donkey show. What kind of perverts do you think I hang out with?) Anyway, we drank beer out by the pool for three days straight. At times, the threat of drowning became all too real. We also proceeded to get blasted for the football games Saturday night. If it weren't for Sports Center, on Sundays, half the people probably wouldn't even know if their team won. And do you think this stopped anybody for taking a day off on Monday from boozing it up and taking stock of their lives? Hell to the no. No work = Yes drunk.

So why do we do this? Can't we enjoy life without alcohol? Wouldn't it be nice to know that we would remember these good times with friends? Or that we would wake up the next day without feeling hung-over, without new battle wounds, and not in jail? The answer to all of these questions is an emphatic NOOOOOOOO!!!!! Alcohol is effin awesome! It makes all these experiences better. So drink up you bunch of lushes. And on that note, I leave you with these words of wisdom:


" Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems." - Homer Simpson


Sincerely - His Holiness, Clint Miller

September

Hello to all my loyal subjects. I meant to sent this out yesterday, but I was busy at my "job". What a crock. They obviously don't get that I have better things to do. Anyway, I just thought you should all know that we have reached a very special time in the calendar. A time for love, joy, and celebration. What is this you may be asking yourself (probably b/c I haven't told you yet). The beginning of Fall? No. Start of football? Special, but not as special as this. The time of year where that weird rash starts to come back? Well that's personal a-holes. (What a bunch of creeps you all are.) No, I am talking about the month of September aka MY BIRTHDAY MONTH!!!!! That's right, I celebrate the whole month of my birthday because I am that awesome. You should too if you are lucky enough to know me. For those of you who don't know me intimately (yet), a little back story…

In the year of our Lord 1984, a babe (me) was born into the world to a set of loving parents on September 22nd. It seemed like any other new beginning for the circle of life. Little did anyone know, this chubby child would go onto untold greatness (soon I hope). The child grew strong, and fine, and still kinda chubby. After a childhood of wonders and constant teasing (fat kid with braces and a touch of acne), the wild-eyed youngster grew into the man you know and love today. Yeah, there were some more details I could have given, but that would take time and energy. Plus, I think the mysteriousness is a great part of my aura. Anyway, for all of you looking for a reason to live it up on a random Tuesday in the middle of September, just remember that yours truly will be doing it on general principal. Do you really need any other reason? So don't be so boring all the time. Get out there and rock out. As a great man once said, Don't ask "Why?", ask "Why not?".

I will be accepting gifts in the form of cash, Natural Light, and commemorative Elvis plates. Thank you in advance. I trust that you will all give generously.

Sincerely - His Holiness, Clint Miller

College Football

Hello again to all of you out there in cyberspace. Welcome to the next edition of Clint's Corner. Today, because the dawn of the college football season is upon us, I want to talk a little bit about how lucky the people in college (especially at my Alma-Mater) have it these days when it comes to football. Then we'll delve a little bit into why I think college students may be some of the dumbest people in America. So here goes…

When I say that today's college students have it great as far as football goes, I will focus mainly on The University of Alabama, because lets face it, what other team matters? (Rhetorical question…the answer is none.) The kids today are basking in the glow of two straight undefeated regular seasons, two trips to the SEC title game, one National Championship, and hopefully another successful run this year. People my age got beat by Captain Earlobe and his stupid fingers every year. (I know La Monroe was bad, but losing to Northern Illinois isn't exactly respectable.) They get Nick Saban (Awesome!) on the sideline, we got Mike Shula (pathetic). They have Greg McElroy, a guy who has never lost a game as a starter. We got Brodie Croyle who could never finish a game as a starter. When he got hurt (always), we got Spencer Pennington and a host of other travesties in the game's most important position. I'm not bitter (lie), I just hope that the students appreciate the sadness that we who came before them had to endure, which finally convinced Mal Moore to fire Mike Shula's retarded a$$ and get Nick Saban to save our beloved Tide.

Now on to why I think college students are some of the dumbest people ever. This doesn't refer to the alcoholic freshmen or the 4th year sophomores out there. No, this regards all the juniors and seniors who utter this phrase "I can't wait to get out of college." I know, I did it too. You think you'll get it all…freedom, money, weekends with no homework. Well let me tell you something about the "real world" you can't wait to be a part of, IT SUCKS! You know what comes with your diploma, responsibility. No more suckling at the tit of your parents for rent/groceries/Keystone Light money. Nope, what you really get is a ton of bills, bosses that treat you like garbage, and the crushing realization that this is what you begged for. So enjoy it morons. And don't say I didn't warn you.

That's all for today folks. Be sure to tune in next week, same bat-time, same bat-channel.

His Holiness, Clint Miller

Traffic and Electricity

Hello to everyone on the internet. This will be the first in a series of postings regarding politics, faith, athletics, and all the other stuff that people love to argue about. These are just my thoughts and feelings on the subjects, so if you don't like them, please feel free to tell someone who cares what you think. (Just FYI, that ain't me.) So sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.

First on the hit list…traffic. Living and working in Birmingham, I have to deal with the huddled masses on the interstate twice a day. To all of you who have to deal with the low-bred jacka$$es on I65, Hwy 280, I459, etc, Lord have mercy on you all. If you are one of the low-bred jacka$$es I referred to, please either learn how to drive, take a different route to/from work than me, or kill yourself. Those are the only options I see that can solve our issues. If you have another suggestion, please see disclaimer at the top of the page.

Next up…the Power Company. The price gouging on electricity is beyond absurd. I have found since I bought my home that apparently during the Summer (which in Alabama seems to last about 6 months), you have two options. 1. Don't turn on the air conditioner and live in a virtual sauna, sweating like a pig while sitting in your living room or 2. You can run the air conditioner to make your place livable, and at the end of the month decide if you want to pay the power bill or eat that week. I know the power company is basically a monopoly, but isn't the government supposed to prevent such things.

Ahhh…the government. I'd love to get into that a little bit, but my boss has been standing at my desk for the last 5 minutes. By the nice shade of red he is turning, I'm thinking the next time I say "Shhh, I'm busy", may be my last act as an employed member of society. Maybe next time. So until then, I leave you all with this soon-to-be-famous quote from a soon-to-be-famous author.

"I'm awesome!"

His Holiness, Clint Miller

His Holiness

How it all started:

Thinking about weddings, I was thinking about cool wedding stuff I'd seen on tv/movies/internet. That's how I came up with the Armadillo cake doncha know. I thought about the Hangover with the powder blue tuxes, people getting married by Elvis impersonators, the Fresh Prince getting married by Isaac Hayes as Shaft. Then I was thinking about Friends and the Monica/Chandler wedding (you know Monica would be pissed if she didn't get first billing) and how Joey was ordained and married them dressed as a WWI soldier. I thought it would be cool if I could do that. I could marry Robby & Stephanie, Lance & Amanda, Matt & whatever chick he falls in love with/knocks up first. Long story short, I asked you what J.D. (<---name of the minister marrying us) should be called i.e. Pastor, Reverend, etc . I want to be called "His Holiness." All the great ones get called this…the Pope, the Dahli Lama. As far as I know, there aren't any Baptists that go by that moniker. If you can't tell, I'm not going to get much done today.

Editor's Note: Clint originally sent this to his fiancee, Beth, who sent it to all her friends for entertainment. The response was so astounding, Clint decided to make weekly contributions - which leads us to the blog and the following addition:

Just so you all know…I am going to take Sarah's advice about letting her know my other ideas and running with it on a global scale. I think everyone can benefit from what I have to offer. Not just from a minister stand point, but about the world as a whole. I will be starting a blog called Clint's Corner. Beth suggested an editorial for a newspaper, but I believe I'm too real for the mainstream media. I have absolutely no idea how to start/update/read a blog, so to do this I may need your help. Candace, I'm pretty sure you know how to do this. I hope you all will join or follow or whatever people do to a blog. It will be free for the first month and $9.99 for each additional month.


P.S. Cash only.