Yes people, it is I, His Holiness, back from my spiritual quest across the globe. Rising like the mighty Pheonix from the ashes or like Motley Crue when they did their reunion tour, to bring you wisdom, guidance, and just the right amount of sexual perversion to help you get through these shark infested waters we call life. I trust you have all been doing well in my absense. Although I have not been with you these many months, I know I have been in your thoughts. And I'm sure you would have been in mine if I weren't so busy. But the time of a holy man is precious and can not be wasted on such things. No, it must be spent pondering the life's eternal question like "Who am I?", "Why are we here?", and "How long is the appropriate mourning period when your high school boyfriend/girlfriend de-friends you on Facebook because they're getting married and are tired of you "poking" them at 3:00 a.m. every damn night?". And during my spiritual journey during the last few months, I, His Holiness, have finally answered these questions. 1. His Holiness. (duh) Not sure about the rest of you. 2. We are put on this Earth for the purpose of being awesome. 3. Immediately you "hypothetical" hipster loser named Broderick who sits next to me on the bus wearing women's jeans and Converse All-Stars ironically. And as soon as you've stopped mourning, kill yourself because hipsters do not deserve to breathe the same air as the rest of us normal people.
GOD I HATE FUCKING HIPSTERS!!!
Editors Note: Our apologies to any hipsters offended by the last life question answer.
His Holiness's Note to Editor: You are obviously a hipster sympethizer and can therefore not be trusted. You are fired. Please turn in your nametag and official laser-tag side arm.
Before I go, I would like to thank all of you who have begged for my return throughout my absense. It is because of you that I am here. I had actually started to wonder if I could continue being your spiritual leader, if too much time had passed. But your tearful cries have tugged at my heart strings. Plus my manager said I would stop getting paid if I didn't come back, and that would have sucked. So, it is with great joy that I have come back to the faithful. And to all those who said that it didn't matter if I came back or that I never made an impact in the first place, rest assured that your crimes will not go unpunished. In closing, I understand this time apart has been devastating to all of us. And by all of us, I mean all of you. So with that in mind, I leave you with these words of wisdom:
“For when two beings who are not friends are near each other there is no meeting, and when friends are far apart there is no separation.” - French philosopher
His Holiness
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
What A Joke
Happy Friday to all my friends out there on the internet. I hope you have all had a good week so far in both your personal and professional (for those of you with professions) lives. It's been going pretty well for His Holiness, except for all this damn snow and cold weather we've been having lately. I mean, we live in the South people. We should see snow every other year at most. Not every other week. But I digress. The weather is not what this is about. Today I'd like to give you my thoughts on the annual nonsense that is about to befall us. That of course is the most made up of holidays, Valentine's Day.
Let me go ahead and say that I know I will probably get a lot of hate mail from all of you romantics (women) out there. But please hear me out. What are we really celebrating with all of this foolishness? Love? The fact that we have found that special someone? That is a nice sentiment, but it is far from the truth. If that was the case, then every day would be considered Valentine's Day. I mean, shouldn't you celebrate the ones you love all the time? And what about all the people out there who aren't in some sort of relationship? Should they be made to feel like completely unlovable rejects simply because they aren't currently dating? I'm sure this is the case for some, but we shouldn't have a special holiday just to drive that fact home. Ex. Studies have shown that suicide rates go up by over 372% (citation needed)on Valentine's Day. And all in the name of love. Well I say bologna. Let me tell you the real reasons for Valentine's Day.
1. Economic growth. People spend obscene amounts of money on V Day on crap they don't even need. The main ones being greeting cards, chocolate, and flowers. These are just a nice way of saying I waited to the last minute and bought you a nice poem that someone else wrote for $2.50, paid 10 times the normal price for candy because its in a box shaped like a heart, and picked up the last flowers they had in the freezer at the grocery store.
2. Make you stress out wondering if you got the right thing. Let me go ahead and tell you that you didn't. You may go all out and buy candy, jewelry, etc. But somehow, someway, Barry down the street knew exactly what you were doing and had to top it. Just look at that new car sitting in his driveway with the big bow on it. And he did it just to spite you. So what if you have never actually spoken to Barry or his wife. You can just tell he's the kind of guy who would do that to you. Screw you Barry!!!
3. Finally, to break up your relationship. Don't ask me why. That's just the way it is. Because of all the pressure put on people for this stupid, made up holiday, men and women will ultimately end up going at each other (and not in the good way) because one or the other didn't do enough to show they cared. Except for Barry. Smug, arrogant, thoughtful Barry.
So why not just avoid all this, tell the person you're with you love them, and be done with it. And for all of you lonely people out there, better luck next year. And those are your words of wisdom for this week. Brought to you by me, His Holiness.
Let me go ahead and say that I know I will probably get a lot of hate mail from all of you romantics (women) out there. But please hear me out. What are we really celebrating with all of this foolishness? Love? The fact that we have found that special someone? That is a nice sentiment, but it is far from the truth. If that was the case, then every day would be considered Valentine's Day. I mean, shouldn't you celebrate the ones you love all the time? And what about all the people out there who aren't in some sort of relationship? Should they be made to feel like completely unlovable rejects simply because they aren't currently dating? I'm sure this is the case for some, but we shouldn't have a special holiday just to drive that fact home. Ex. Studies have shown that suicide rates go up by over 372% (citation needed)on Valentine's Day. And all in the name of love. Well I say bologna. Let me tell you the real reasons for Valentine's Day.
1. Economic growth. People spend obscene amounts of money on V Day on crap they don't even need. The main ones being greeting cards, chocolate, and flowers. These are just a nice way of saying I waited to the last minute and bought you a nice poem that someone else wrote for $2.50, paid 10 times the normal price for candy because its in a box shaped like a heart, and picked up the last flowers they had in the freezer at the grocery store.
2. Make you stress out wondering if you got the right thing. Let me go ahead and tell you that you didn't. You may go all out and buy candy, jewelry, etc. But somehow, someway, Barry down the street knew exactly what you were doing and had to top it. Just look at that new car sitting in his driveway with the big bow on it. And he did it just to spite you. So what if you have never actually spoken to Barry or his wife. You can just tell he's the kind of guy who would do that to you. Screw you Barry!!!
3. Finally, to break up your relationship. Don't ask me why. That's just the way it is. Because of all the pressure put on people for this stupid, made up holiday, men and women will ultimately end up going at each other (and not in the good way) because one or the other didn't do enough to show they cared. Except for Barry. Smug, arrogant, thoughtful Barry.
So why not just avoid all this, tell the person you're with you love them, and be done with it. And for all of you lonely people out there, better luck next year. And those are your words of wisdom for this week. Brought to you by me, His Holiness.
Friday, February 4, 2011
It's Almost Official!!!
Yes, It's that time again ladies and gentlemen. I hope you are all doing well today. And if not, sorry. But, I hope the knowledge that I am doing awesome will help to console you. Anyway, as most of you know, I am a pretty big football fan and we just had national signing day. The day where so many people fall all over a bunch of 17 and 18 year olds praying that the best ones will pick their favorite team to play for. I do it too, even though I know its despicable. Anyway, I had someone ask me if I was going to give my thoughts on NSD in my next article. Although I do think it is important, something else has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. And I feel that I have to get it out there to the public.
To tell this story, we need to backtrack a little bit. This whole website started when I decided I wanted to become ordained as a minister. It was taken as a joke by some, and that's OK. I can understand the humor in the idea of me becoming a man of the cloth. I, on the other hand, still have the burning desire deep down in my pants to become a great leader of men. So I have endured the snickers and comments from those blind few who didn't take me seriously. Well to those people I have only two things to say. BOOM!!! and more importantly YOU CAN ALL SUCK ON BOBO!!! That's right all you haters. The day you hoped would never arrive has. If you will see the link below, it will lead you to the site where I will legally become "His Holiness". If that ain't bitchin, I don't know what is.
http://www.themonastery.org/?destination=ordination
Now, that being the case, I just want you to all know that as soon as I am official, I will be open to service all your religious needs. I am going to be doing weddings, Christenings, funerals, confessions, circumcisions, etc. As a matter of fact, I have already pestered a couple friends of mine to the point where they agreed to let me officiate their wedding ceremony. You know who you are and don't think for a second that I've forgotten. To be honest, it was a lot easier to convince the guy that I would be a good candidate. And I don't think the fact he was drunk had anything to do with it. I think he just recognizes the seriousness and professionalism I would bring to the table. Also wine. I will always bring wine to the table.
*Side Question: I'm thinking that when doing a circumcision, it would be better to bring the wine to the table before the ceremony rather than after. You know, kinda loosen everybody up. I mean let's face it, cutting off part of a baby's ding-a-ling could be an awkward time. Thoughts?*
Well I guess that's all for today. I'm sure the magnitude of this announcement is enough for you to try to process right now. So in conclusion, please remember me for any religious needs you or any family or friends may be having in the future. Still taking payments in cash, Natural light, and commemorative plates. And again, thank you to all of you who have pledged your support and undying allegiance during this process. As for the rest of you, well, you already know what you can do.
His Holiness out.
To tell this story, we need to backtrack a little bit. This whole website started when I decided I wanted to become ordained as a minister. It was taken as a joke by some, and that's OK. I can understand the humor in the idea of me becoming a man of the cloth. I, on the other hand, still have the burning desire deep down in my pants to become a great leader of men. So I have endured the snickers and comments from those blind few who didn't take me seriously. Well to those people I have only two things to say. BOOM!!! and more importantly YOU CAN ALL SUCK ON BOBO!!! That's right all you haters. The day you hoped would never arrive has. If you will see the link below, it will lead you to the site where I will legally become "His Holiness". If that ain't bitchin, I don't know what is.
http://www.themonastery.org/?destination=ordination
Now, that being the case, I just want you to all know that as soon as I am official, I will be open to service all your religious needs. I am going to be doing weddings, Christenings, funerals, confessions, circumcisions, etc. As a matter of fact, I have already pestered a couple friends of mine to the point where they agreed to let me officiate their wedding ceremony. You know who you are and don't think for a second that I've forgotten. To be honest, it was a lot easier to convince the guy that I would be a good candidate. And I don't think the fact he was drunk had anything to do with it. I think he just recognizes the seriousness and professionalism I would bring to the table. Also wine. I will always bring wine to the table.
*Side Question: I'm thinking that when doing a circumcision, it would be better to bring the wine to the table before the ceremony rather than after. You know, kinda loosen everybody up. I mean let's face it, cutting off part of a baby's ding-a-ling could be an awkward time. Thoughts?*
Well I guess that's all for today. I'm sure the magnitude of this announcement is enough for you to try to process right now. So in conclusion, please remember me for any religious needs you or any family or friends may be having in the future. Still taking payments in cash, Natural light, and commemorative plates. And again, thank you to all of you who have pledged your support and undying allegiance during this process. As for the rest of you, well, you already know what you can do.
His Holiness out.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Work Always Sucks
Hello again anonymous Internet friends. I, His Holiness, am back to lead you in your spiritual path through the crazy world in which we find ourselves. I hope you have all been doing well since our last encounter. Since it has been quite a while, this manifesto may seem a bit long winded, but I don't care because this is His Holiness's website and nobody else's! Anyway, I know many things have happened in that time, Christmas, New Year's Eve, They Who Shall Not Be Named winning the college football National Championship. In this time a lot has been going on with your's truly. I celebrated a traditional Christmas with my family. We feasted on turkey and dressing, opened enough presents to fill a strip mall, and of course the airing of grievances (shame on any of you who do not get that reference!) For New Year's some friends and I went to a charity event at a warehouse here in B'ham. We got out of control drunk, danced to all manner of 80's tunes, and under no circumstances should we have made it home alive. And, of course, we did all of this for the sake of the children. The other big thing that has happened to me is that I got a new job. "Oh yeah! Pretty soon I'll be running these streets!" I fiercely yelled to myself from my cubicle upon hearing the news. Boy was I wrong...
As I assume most of my listening audience is employed in some way, I will make certain assumptions during this writing: 1. At times you think that you are sooooo close to running the show. 2. At times you think that your are invisible. 3. At times you want to walk in your office and set fire to the whole damn place and laugh hysterically as you see the flames roar and hear the muffled screams of your now former co-workers.
*Note: Mitchell, I know you've been having a hard time of it, but believe me when I tell you that #3 is simply a thought. Not an action plan.*
Over the last few months I had gotten so tired of my job that I was ready to pull my hair out. I refrained of course, because that would throw off the flow of the side-part that has been my signature some 26 years. But needless to say, I was ready for a change. So when I found out that I would be changing positions, I was ecstatic. At first. As many of you know, when you start a new job, you walk in with your head held high and brimming with confidence. After all, you are the new hot shot ready to rule. Every new co-worker you meet will be under your command in six months time. This place isn't going to know what hit it when you blow up. Fuck You Are Awesome!!!!
Then after about two minutes of that, it hits you. You...Don't...Matter...At...All. This great new job is really no different than your old one. These people have been here for so long, you could walk in with a cape and no pants and they probably wouldn't blink. Johnson in the next cube over has been here 40 years. He has seen more people come and leave than the NOLA free clinic after Mardi Gras. He doesn't care that your average round-trip delivery time is the fastest in the history of the Southside Domino's. Your new boss, who you blew away in the interview so bad he probably went home and thought about as he relationed up his wife, has been calling you by the wrong name the last three days. Not only that, you really have no idea what you're doing here. This isn't the same system/forms/delivery truck you used at your last job. But that doesn't stop them from piling it on and screaming about needing the Ferguson report by noon. What kind of report? Who the Hell is Ferguson? Why is Johnson staring at me all the time? And all this for the extra $16.50 a week. None of it makes sense. And by the time it does, it will be too late. Because you will then change jobs again. After all, you are gonna run these streets! That is, if you don't lose it and ride the crazy train straight to Hell and take every single one of them with you. And now your words of wisdom:
"I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy." ~ Danny McGoorty
"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important." ~ Bertrand Russell
"If you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way." ~ Homer Simpson
"If you ain't the lead dog, the view never changes." ~ No IdeaAll the Best - His Holiness
As I assume most of my listening audience is employed in some way, I will make certain assumptions during this writing: 1. At times you think that you are sooooo close to running the show. 2. At times you think that your are invisible. 3. At times you want to walk in your office and set fire to the whole damn place and laugh hysterically as you see the flames roar and hear the muffled screams of your now former co-workers.
*Note: Mitchell, I know you've been having a hard time of it, but believe me when I tell you that #3 is simply a thought. Not an action plan.*
Over the last few months I had gotten so tired of my job that I was ready to pull my hair out. I refrained of course, because that would throw off the flow of the side-part that has been my signature some 26 years. But needless to say, I was ready for a change. So when I found out that I would be changing positions, I was ecstatic. At first. As many of you know, when you start a new job, you walk in with your head held high and brimming with confidence. After all, you are the new hot shot ready to rule. Every new co-worker you meet will be under your command in six months time. This place isn't going to know what hit it when you blow up. Fuck You Are Awesome!!!!
Then after about two minutes of that, it hits you. You...Don't...Matter...At...All. This great new job is really no different than your old one. These people have been here for so long, you could walk in with a cape and no pants and they probably wouldn't blink. Johnson in the next cube over has been here 40 years. He has seen more people come and leave than the NOLA free clinic after Mardi Gras. He doesn't care that your average round-trip delivery time is the fastest in the history of the Southside Domino's. Your new boss, who you blew away in the interview so bad he probably went home and thought about as he relationed up his wife, has been calling you by the wrong name the last three days. Not only that, you really have no idea what you're doing here. This isn't the same system/forms/delivery truck you used at your last job. But that doesn't stop them from piling it on and screaming about needing the Ferguson report by noon. What kind of report? Who the Hell is Ferguson? Why is Johnson staring at me all the time? And all this for the extra $16.50 a week. None of it makes sense. And by the time it does, it will be too late. Because you will then change jobs again. After all, you are gonna run these streets! That is, if you don't lose it and ride the crazy train straight to Hell and take every single one of them with you. And now your words of wisdom:
"I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy." ~ Danny McGoorty
"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important." ~ Bertrand Russell
"If you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way." ~ Homer Simpson
"If you ain't the lead dog, the view never changes." ~ No IdeaAll the Best - His Holiness
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Happy Christmas
Hello all. I know who are all sweaty with anticipation. As always, I come to you as your friendly neighborhood Holy Man. As I'm sure you know, His Holiness has been kind of out of commission for a while. Postings getting fewer and far between. To be honest I just haven't been feeling that inspired lately. In the beginning, I had loads of things I wanted to get off my chest and share with the world. Or at least the millions who are smart enough to look to this website for guidance and life lessons. But lately, the wisdom just hasn't been flowing.
That is until one particular letter I received pleeding for my return. (If you are reeding this "Bill from NJ", thank you for your support. P.S. The naked photos were a nice sentiment, but completely unneccesary.) He suggested I talk about the weather turning cold or some bullshit like that. Just one problem. All the readers already know that. It would be tired and redundant. I have to be edgy and envelope pushing. I mean what's the point of having such a grand medium for spouting wisdom and life lessons if all I can talk is a bunch of boring stuff people already know about. Sure my take on everyday events like the weather can be a bit skewed. Some may even say comical. Others still may call it revolutionary. While the rest may just find it absurd and suggest that I seek psychiatric evaluation before I become a danger to myself and others. (Thanks for the advice Mom.) And they all may be right to some degree. But the point I am trying to make is that it's not like just anyone can go on the internet and write whatever they want for anyone to look at right? I mean, don't you have to have some special credentials or password or something? *(Editor's Note: I have no idea how the internet works. That's why one of my illegal-alien helpers from Canada posts these things.)
Anyway, there is something that I would like to talk about today. And that something is Christmas shopping. (That's right. I said "Christmas", not "Holiday" for all you heathens out there.) I don't know if any of you have tried going to a mall, Wal Mart, or any such place lately. But it is a fucking disaster. I swear this is why people get so depressed during this time of year. (again, Christmas time) I went to the Galleria the other day and it took a half hour just to park. That was enough to make me want to strangle a box of kittens. But then when I went inside it was like Armageddon. People running around like mad trying to find the last Elmo for their kid because the 52 presents they already have under the tree just aren't enough. *Side Story* - I had a co-worker tell me that their 9 year old came to them last night and wanted them to sign a contract guaranteeing that the child would be getting everything on their Christmas list. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!? Who comes up with that shit? I wish I was making this up, but I'm not that brite. If had been me, I would have smacked that kid in the face and made them sleep outside for being suck an asshole! *End of Side Story* Anyway, these crazies are so damn crazed about finishing their shopping that they're shoving, throwing elbows, hitting each other with purses or strollers or any other object (kid maybe?) they are holding that could be used as a weapon. Sooner or later someone is going to get trampled to death because the last TV in the store is on sale for $5.00 off. That'll teach them not to work on her lower body strength so she can forge ahead with the masses. You would think these jackasses didn't know that Christmas was coming 11 months in advance and coudl have done some of their shopping then. (And I don't mean the day after Thanksgiving. That is the unholy monster to which all other Christmas shopping days sacrifice virgins to.)
The whole thing is just ridiculous. I'm sure this is just how Jesus would want his birthday celebrated. What a fucking tragedy we have become as a nation. Well, I'm going to go drink myself stupid and cry for a little while just because I know that I will realize in the 11th hour that there is someone or something I have forgotten. And I will have to throw on my armor and brave the beast once more. Pray for me, as I will do you the same courtesy. As always, I leave you with these words of wisdom.
The Christmas season has come to mean the period when the public plays Santa Claus to the merchants. ~John Andrew Holmes
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. ~Author Unknown
His Holiness, Clint Miller
Monday, November 22, 2010
Happy Turkey Day
Good afternoon. And welcome to another installment of everyone's favorite gameshow, Clint's Corner!!!!! And I am your fabulous host, His Holiness Clint Miller. I hope that you have all been living the dream since our last encounter. I know I have. We have talked before about holidays and how awesome they are. Well it is time once again to celebrate one of the greatest holidays ever. THANKSGIVING! Why is is so great you ask. Well that is a great question. And I assure you that all the answers you seek will soon be revealed to you. So lets get started...
Next to Christmas, Thanksgiving may be the best holiday every year. And there are many different reasons that make it so. Getting together with family and friends. Sitting around a table counting blessings. These are just a couple of the traditional reasons that people give for enjoying Thanksgiving. And as everyone knows, they are complete bullshit. First of all, I don't know how it is with your family, but many of the people I have to be around on Thanksgiving I only see them once a year. So I barely remember their names. The ones I do recall, its usually because they are assholes and I spend half my time trying to avoid them at all costs. Also, sitting around giving thanks is not what people are concerned with when they gather round the table. They are only concerned with stuffing thier faces with turkey, dressing, and all manner of desserts. I swear it's like gluttony is not only tolerated on Thanksgiving, but celebrated. And that's the first reason I love Thanksgiving.
As I have alluded to before, I am now, and always have been, a fat kid. After a few hours of playing hide from the old people who tell the same stories year after year and all the yelling children, it's nice to be rewarded with a good meal. And oh my God do we feast. I will say this, the older ladies in my family sure can put on a spread. And I always take full advantage. I will rape and pillage the dinner line like a mad fucking viking. And you know what, nobody gives it a second thought. The fat kid in me reigns on this day and indulges on all the goodness life has to offer. Good times.
Another reason I love Thanksgiving is the football. After everyone has gorged themselves into a diebetic coma, it is then time to sit around like motionless zombies and watch the boys throw the pigskin around. And it usually isn't even a good game. I think last year I saw like the Lions vs. the Browns or some shit like that. Not exactly powerhouses. But that doesn't even matter. It's still football. It's still somthing to get excited about. It's still is reason enough for Uncle Dave to drink a case of Keystone and pass out in the yard. We're talking about memories here people. And since you have feasted like savages, no one can talk shit about you sitting on the couch and doing nothing productive all day.
The final reason I love Thanksgiving is family. Not the assholes who nobody cares about referenced above. But my real family. We will be doing all of these things together in a few days. Gluttony, sloth, and all the other good sins. I am grateful that I get to share these things with them. And I am grateful that I get to share this message with all of you. Here's hoping that you all have a safe and happy Thanksgiving. And now I will leave you with these words of wisdom.
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. ~Erma Bombeck
Thanksgiving is America's national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty. ~Michael Dresser
Next to Christmas, Thanksgiving may be the best holiday every year. And there are many different reasons that make it so. Getting together with family and friends. Sitting around a table counting blessings. These are just a couple of the traditional reasons that people give for enjoying Thanksgiving. And as everyone knows, they are complete bullshit. First of all, I don't know how it is with your family, but many of the people I have to be around on Thanksgiving I only see them once a year. So I barely remember their names. The ones I do recall, its usually because they are assholes and I spend half my time trying to avoid them at all costs. Also, sitting around giving thanks is not what people are concerned with when they gather round the table. They are only concerned with stuffing thier faces with turkey, dressing, and all manner of desserts. I swear it's like gluttony is not only tolerated on Thanksgiving, but celebrated. And that's the first reason I love Thanksgiving.
As I have alluded to before, I am now, and always have been, a fat kid. After a few hours of playing hide from the old people who tell the same stories year after year and all the yelling children, it's nice to be rewarded with a good meal. And oh my God do we feast. I will say this, the older ladies in my family sure can put on a spread. And I always take full advantage. I will rape and pillage the dinner line like a mad fucking viking. And you know what, nobody gives it a second thought. The fat kid in me reigns on this day and indulges on all the goodness life has to offer. Good times.
Another reason I love Thanksgiving is the football. After everyone has gorged themselves into a diebetic coma, it is then time to sit around like motionless zombies and watch the boys throw the pigskin around. And it usually isn't even a good game. I think last year I saw like the Lions vs. the Browns or some shit like that. Not exactly powerhouses. But that doesn't even matter. It's still football. It's still somthing to get excited about. It's still is reason enough for Uncle Dave to drink a case of Keystone and pass out in the yard. We're talking about memories here people. And since you have feasted like savages, no one can talk shit about you sitting on the couch and doing nothing productive all day.
The final reason I love Thanksgiving is family. Not the assholes who nobody cares about referenced above. But my real family. We will be doing all of these things together in a few days. Gluttony, sloth, and all the other good sins. I am grateful that I get to share these things with them. And I am grateful that I get to share this message with all of you. Here's hoping that you all have a safe and happy Thanksgiving. And now I will leave you with these words of wisdom.
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. ~Erma Bombeck
Thanksgiving is America's national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty. ~Michael Dresser
Monday, November 8, 2010
Politics
Greetings and salutations to all of you out there on the internet. I hope this posting finds you well. Well much has changed in the time since I last graced you with my presence. Halloween has come and gone. For those of you still curious, I was the most awesomest Raggedy Andy you’ve ever seen. For those of you who saw, I could tell that you brought great joy from my appearance. And that joy is one of the main reasons I am here. Also, our beloved Crimson Tide has fallen once again. Our beloved leader Saban having been outcoached by a bumbling stooge with the mind of 4 year old. Shameful. But what I really want to discuss with you this day is something that affects people other than just us. Politics. That’s right. One of the few things that can make strangers want to slaughter each other’s families over simple idealistic differences.
Now this is something I wanted to bring up last week after the mid-term elections. But as it often does, life intervened and kept me from my duties as your spiritual guide. For that I am sorry, but a holy man has to do what a holy man has to do. Anyway, I’m sure you all have your own opinions about politics. Just like I’m sure you have your own opinions about religion and any other topics discussed on this site up to this point. But as I have made clear before, mine is the only opinion that matters to me. And judging by the fact that any clear headed person would have probably cursed my existence and left this space long ago, it obviously is the only one that matters to you. It’s sad really. But I guess if you will blindly follow someone, it may as well be me. For the purposes of this exercise, I will be breaking down politics into my views of the standard parties and then giving my overall thoughts on what these elections will mean in the grand scheme of things.
- Republicans – Conservative people who want to protect the little guy. Preserve the American way of life. Keep government small and out of our hair so we can live peacefully. Kill everyone who looks, acts, or thinks differently than them. (Although I don’t think they put that last one in the brochure.) They know everything you should be afraid of and make their living making sure that you know it too. Example:
Texas - Democrats – Liberal people who want to make sure that everyone has the same opportunities. Whether they be white/black, gay/straight, in this country legally/illegally, everyone should have the right to work, play, live, have 15 abortions and burn flags in the streets. Hell, if you can’t/are too lazy to work to pay for these things, Democrats will just give them to you. Let everyone else fit the bill. Because this is America Damn it. Example: Hippies. Dirty, smelly, hippies! And that bitch Hillary Clinton when she’s not trying to keep an eye on Bill and his harem of sweaty fat chicks.
- Tea Party – Basically Republicans on steroids. If you enjoy it, it’s bad. No sex, no drugs, and no Rock N’ Roll. Basically no fun of any kind ever. We need to live by the laws of the 1700’s. We are going to take
America - Green Party – I really have no idea. I guess maybe they want to save the planet or something. Isn’t that what “Green” usually means? Sounds like something Al Gore would do in between fighting the O-zone and inventing the internet.
- Independents – Ross Perot. That’s it. Basically a waste of a vote. These guys will never get anything accomplished because 99.9999999% of the time everyone is going to side with either 1 or 2.
And when it all comes down to it, none of it seems to matter. Democrats condemned George Bush as a moron. He is leading us into a senseless war. Republicans claim Obama is the anti-Christ. His health care bill is going to destroy America
Politicians are like diapers. They both need changing regularly and for the same reason. ~Author Unknown
Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. ~Ronald Reagan
And with that, I bid you adieu. Until we meet again, this is His Holiness signing off.
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