His Holiness: Part XIII: The Return (With A Vengeance)

Yes people, it is I, His Holiness, back from my spiritual quest across the globe. Rising like the mighty Pheonix from the ashes or like Motley Crue when they did their reunion tour, to bring you wisdom, guidance, and just the right amount of sexual perversion to help you get through these shark infested waters we call life.  I trust you have all been doing well in my absense.  Although I have not been with you these many months, I know I have been in your thoughts.  And I'm sure you would have been in mine if I weren't so busy. But the time of a holy man is precious and can not be wasted on such things. No, it must be spent pondering the life's eternal question like "Who am I?", "Why are we here?", and "How long is the appropriate mourning period when your high school boyfriend/girlfriend de-friends you on Facebook because they're getting married and are tired of you "poking" them at 3:00 a.m. every damn night?".  And during my spiritual journey during the last few months, I, His Holiness, have finally answered these questions.  1. His Holiness. (duh) Not sure about the rest of you.  2. We are put on this Earth for the purpose of being awesome. 3. Immediately you "hypothetical" hipster loser named Broderick who sits next to me on the bus wearing women's jeans and Converse All-Stars ironically. And as soon as you've stopped mourning, kill yourself because hipsters do not deserve to breathe the same air as the rest of us normal people.
GOD I HATE FUCKING HIPSTERS!!!

Editors Note: Our apologies to any hipsters offended by the last life question answer.

His Holiness's Note to Editor: You are obviously a hipster sympethizer and can therefore not be trusted. You are fired. Please turn in your nametag and official laser-tag side arm.

Before I go, I would like to thank all of you who have begged for my return throughout my absense. It is because of you that I am here.  I had actually started to wonder if I could continue being your spiritual leader, if too much time had passed. But your tearful cries have tugged at my heart strings. Plus my manager said I would stop getting paid if I didn't come back, and that would have sucked. So, it is with great joy that I have come back to the faithful. And to all those who said that it didn't matter if I came back or that I never made an impact in the first place, rest assured that your crimes will not go unpunished. In closing, I understand this time apart has been devastating to all of us. And by all of us, I mean all of you. So with that in mind, I leave you with these words of wisdom:

     “For when two beings who are not friends are near each other there is no meeting, and when friends are far apart there is no separation.” - French philosopher

His Holiness